Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
