You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
