The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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