Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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