I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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