I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
3 2 1 whiskey
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
