ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
This house was built for laser tag.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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