I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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