Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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