this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
