it's too hot outside to masturbate.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
