you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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