im drinking this country out of the recession.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
