I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
