I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
