I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
