Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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