just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize