I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
