Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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