i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
