Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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