Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
