one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
