He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
