one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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