I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
