You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
