Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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