I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
