Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
