so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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