you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
