You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
