Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
