the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
