Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
