How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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