Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
