Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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