turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
