Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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