the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
