Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
