I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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