am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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