no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
