My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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