I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
