Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
