i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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