I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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