I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
